Sunday, May 11, 2008

notes found while cleaning

While I was cleaning up I found a few notebooks that I used in high school (the majority of which from my senior year '99). They really cracked me up to read them... especially since it'll be ten years next year since my high school graduation. Funny to think that in high school everything was so important and life-or-death when it really wasn't. I feel like I've changed so much since high school in all the right ways. Looking back I felt like I was such a mousy, quiet person. I'm still introverted, and yet not.

A few choice tidbits from my journals of yore (most of these are within notes from AP Lit class):

"she thinks she's so smart but she's actually not and she forces her views on other people who really don't want to listen to her" [about a girl that really annoyed me that was in ALL my AP classes, and I think had a thing for my former crush]

"Me and Eric have this whole sexual tension thing going on and it's really annoying." [about said former crush that I no longer had a crush on... I had this odd feeling that he started to like me as soon as I DIDN'T like him anymore]

"Alyson is going to tell Janet that I defended those kids from Littleton that killed people but that's not true. Why did she tell Dad of all people who won't understand me at all" [regarding my sister and stepmother... I love my sister dearly and we've become much closer as I've gotten older, but sometimes she completely misunderstands me. this was right after Columbine happened]

I also found another entry in the same notebook dated in April of '05... right after my resignation from the nutritionist's office. It's about my inability to interact with people to do things that ever person needs to get done:

"It's been over a year since my last interview. Wish that job had worked out better than it did. Wish the office manager wasn't a devious snipe. So, moving on.
I've always been paranoid about new experiences. Riding the train. Riding the subway. Going into a big city all by myself. DMV. Banking. It's as if I want to get it perfect the first time. There's just no way. It's statistically impossible.
I'm attempting to be as zen as possible. Drank some herbal tea this morning, taking deep breaths, listening to soothing music.
I'm scared about getting lost. I'm scared of getting hit by (another) car. It feels like any fear in the world someone could have, I have had."

I'm so damn intuitive and insightful about other people's lives and not my own. It's either a symptom of I see what will happen and I don't want it to happen so I deny I see it in the first place. Prime example is knowing a relationship is wrong for you but letting it go on for longer than it should have, just to make it work. There's a difference between learning lessons and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

*sigh* Time for bed.

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